G. Susan Rivers, LMFT
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                                              The Five Love Languages

In his book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman states that couples often communicate their love in different languages.  No matter how hard you might try to say “I love you,” or how many different ways you think you are expressing your love, if your partner’s primary love language isn’t part of the equation neither of you will fully benefit in the exchange—and empty love tanks will prevail, creating bitterness, resentment and distancing.

Chapman suggests there are five basic emotional love languages—that is five ways people speak and understand emotional love.  If we really want to communicate the love we feel, we must express it in our partner’s primary love language.

The five love languages are:

Words of Affirmation include compliments and words of appreciation.  Encouraging words communicate “I care, I am with you, how can I help?” Kind words can express genuine love as well as forgiveness.

Quality Time is not sitting on the couch watching TV together, but giving someone your undivided attention, looking at each other and talking. it could be taking a walk or going out to eat, looking at each other and talking.  Togetherness has to do with focused attention.  Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.  Listen for feelings, observe body language, refuse to interrupt.

Receiving Gifts is symbolic.  It means thought, time, planning and care are expressed in addition to actually securing the gift and giving it.  Gifts are visual symbols of love.

Acts of Service means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.  This might be cooking a meal, cleaning up around the house, taking out the trash, yard work, changing the cat’s litter box or painting the bathroom.  Acts of service require thought, time, planning, effort, energy and a positive spirit.  Indeed, they are expressions of love.

Physical Touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating love.  Physical touch can make or break a relationship.  It can communicate love or hate.  This language say, “to touch my body is to touch me.”

Dr. Chapman also encourages parents to utilize the above languages to communicate with their children.  He says, “Observe your children.  Watch how they express love to others.  That is a clue to their love language.  When family members start speaking each other’s primary love language, the emotional climate of a family is greatly enhanced.”